i. If no-one sees you eat something, it has no calories.

ii. When drinking a diet coke with a chocolate bar, the fat in the chocolate bar is cancelled out by the diet coke.

iii. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do.

iv. Food used for medical purposes does NOT count (for example: hot chocolate, toast, cheesecake and vodka.)

v. If you fatten up the people around you, you will look thinner.

vi. Cinema related foods have a zero calorie count as they are part of the entertainment package and not counted as food intake (this includes: popcorn, Maltezers, Revels and frozen cokes.)

vii. Biscuit pieces have no calories because breaking the biscuits up causes calorie leakage.

viii. Food licked from knives and spoons has no fat if you are in the process of cooking something.

ix. Foods that are the same colour have the same amount of fat:

x. examples are: spinach and peppermint ice-cream, apples and red jelly snakes.

xi. Chocolate is lika a food-colour wildcard, and may be substituted for any other colour.

xii. Anything eaten while standing up has no calories due to gravity and the density of the calorie mass.

xiii. Food consumed from someone else's plate has no fat as it rightfully belongs to the other person, and will cling to his/her plate (oh, how fat likes to cling!)

And remember,

STRESSED SPELT BACKWARDS IS DESSERTS.