- I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
- My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
- I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
- Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
- All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
- If all is not lost, where is it?
- It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
- Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
- I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...
- Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
- Accidents in the back seat cause...kids.
- It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
- Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
- If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
- When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
- It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.
- These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter... I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.