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This is the story about a retired builder called Tim, and his faithful old Labrador named Captain.

Tim never liked shopping in Tesco's, but he was in his local store yesterday, buying a large bag of Winalot for his trusted friend Captain, and was in the checkout queue, when a woman behind him, asked if he had a dog?

What did she think I had, an elephant?

So, since I am retired, and have little to do, on impulse, I told her, that No, I didn't have a dog, but I was starting the Winalot diet again. I added, that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in Hospital the last time, but I did lose 2 stone, before I woke up in Intensive Care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet, and that the way it works is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets, and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.

The food is nutritionally complete, so it works well, and I was going to try it again. ( I have to mention, that practically everyone in the queue was now enthralled with my story)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in Intensive Care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her, No, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse, and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard. I am now banned from Tesco's.

You had better watch what you ask retired people like me, they have all the time in the world, to think of daft things to say.

(with thanks to Seán Ó hÉigeartaigh.)

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